Why Gaslighting Makes You Feel Powerless

I didn’t know what gaslighting was while I was experiencing it from my abuser. I didn’t know that it had a name.

I’ve realised since that I had been gaslit by many people throughout my life, but none to the extent and skill of my abuser. I’ve found myself in awe at times at the extent of his manipulation and psychological skills. The length he would go to prove a point.

I spent my days questioning my memory after most conversations. At times, I had to question what I had seen with my own eyes. My world was one of confusion, where I had even convinced myself I was overreacting, and perhaps I did make everything in life hard. Did that really happen the way I thought it did? I didn’t say that, did I?

Every move you make, every look you give, every message you get on your phone is questioned, watched, read, and you live your life in hypervigilance, your body marinated in cortisol. Adding gaslighting to the mix can make you feel like you’re losing your mind. But that’s exactly why an abuser uses these tactics. It’s just another layer of control.
Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation that, piece by piece, will erode your confidence in your own perception of reality.

Research has found that gaslighting can have long-term effects on mental health by contributing to anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms.

Understanding what gaslighting is, how it works, and why it can leave you feeling so powerless will help you heal and reclaim your belief in yourself.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person systematically causes another to doubt their own perceptions, memory, and sanity.

This term originates from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s mentally ill by dimming the gas lights in their home while insisting nothing has changed. Cool story. Shitty thing to do.

A 2024 interdisciplinary review published in the Journal of Family Violence defines gaslighting as “a tactic of psychological manipulation in which an individual attempts to control their intimate partner by convincing them that their thoughts, beliefs, and memories are groundless, or ‘crazy'” (Shkara, 2024).

Overall, it is a disgusting practice employed by the majority of abusers to some extent. Those well-versed in the practice can cause damage to your mental health. Like all healing, this damage can be reversed.

Common Gaslighting Phrases

Gaslighting can appear from what seem to be innocent statements. But prolonged use repeated over time undermines your view of events and reality. They are poised to be dismissive and make you question yourself.

“You’re overreacting” – Dismissing your emotional responses as excessive.
“That never happened” – Denying events you clearly remember.
“You’re imagining things” – Questioning your perceptions and mental state.
“You’re too sensitive” – Making your natural reactions seem problematic.
“I never said that” – Rejecting responsibility for their words or actions.
“You’re crazy” – Direct attacks on your mental stability and credibility.

It doesn’t matter the tone in which these words are delivered. That doesn’t diminish their damage.

Research indicates that gaslighting was voted “word of the year” in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in 2022, reflecting increased public awareness of this manipulation tactic.

However, clinical psychology research reveals that gaslighting encompasses far more than these obvious phrases. It’s a pattern of reality distortion that has always been used by abusers.

How Gaslighting Works: The Psychology of Reality Distortion

Understanding the mechanisms of gaslighting can help explain why it’s so effective and why recovery can be a challenge. According to recent psychological research, gaslighting operates in several ways to serve the abuser’s aim to minimise and control you.

Erosion of Self-Trust

Gaslighting works by slowly eating away at your confidence in your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.

A 2024 study published in Clinical Research News explains that gaslighters “consistently deny or distort facts, creating an environment where the victim becomes uncertain of their own memories, judgments, and reality” (Kriger, 2024).

Gaslighting behaviour is consistently reinforced by abusers, so over time, the results can include:

Doubt: You begin questioning whether your memory is accurate.

Seeking external validation: You start asking others to confirm your experiences.

Self-blame: You automatically assume you’re wrong when someone disagrees with you.

Confusion: You lose confidence in distinguishing between truth and manipulation.

Creating Dependence Through Confusion

Healing from an abusive relationship is already hard, but it becomes further complicated when gaslighting has created a toxic dependence on the manipulator for the “truth.” I knew I needed to get out of my abusive relationship, but I also believed that my abuser knew me better than anyone. In reality, I just believed the lies he had spun about me and the person I was. It’s much easier to believe bad things about yourself than the good.

Research shows the confusion caused by such a connection serves the abuser in multiple ways:

Power imbalance: When you can’t trust your own perceptions, you become reliant on theirs, and they can tell you how they want it to be rather than the truth.

Control mechanism: Doubt makes you less likely to challenge abusive behaviour. You lose your basis for making a strong argument against what they say or do.

Reality control: The gaslighter becomes the sole controller and holder of what’s “real.” Nothing you say is right or real.

If the abuse becomes physical over time and you have been primed by gaslighting, you are more likely to consider that the abuse was your fault.

A 2024 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that victims of prolonged gaslighting show significant impairment in cognitive abilities, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationships.

Like other forms of abuse and trauma, this shows that gaslighting can rewire your brain. This is not permanent, and thanks to our brains’ neuroplasticity, it can be healed over time and rewired to peace, confidence and belief in yourself and your own thoughts.

Isolation and Social Disconnection

A Gaslighter aims to systematically isolate their victim by making them question not just their perceptions but also their relationships with others. This is important to the gaslighter as they don’t need others undoing all their hard work and manipulation.

They focus on:

Reducing support networks that might validate your experiences and positively support you.

Creating shame about your “inability” to see situations correctly or any other aspect of your personality or self, they think you should feel ashamed about.

Increasing dependence on the gaslighter as your primary reality source and dismissing anyone else’s views.

Gaslighting often occurs along with other forms of coercive control, making it a strong predictor of future abuse escalation (Myhill & Hohl, 2019). Social media has increased in content over the last few years, showcasing that people should be aware of tiny gaslighting signals in prospective partners as “red flag” moments.

Why Gaslighting Leaves You Feeling Powerless

The psychological impact of gaslighting extends far beyond the momentary confusion associated with one gassy event. It’s not a matter of just not believing what your abuser says.

Understanding why it creates such massive feelings of powerlessness helps explain the recovery challenges many survivors face.

Loss of Self-Trust: The Foundation of Powerlessness

Self-trust forms the foundation of autonomy and decision-making confidence. When gaslighting systematically erodes this foundation, survivors may have:

Cognitive symptoms:

Difficulty making even simple decisions.
Constant second-guessing of thoughts and feelings.
Fear of making mistakes or “getting it wrong”
Mental paralysis when facing choices.

Emotional symptoms:

Persistent anxiety about your own judgment.
Shame about your perceived inadequacies, or more likely the ones you’ve been told you should be ashamed about.
Guilt for “causing problems” by expressing your perspective or your needs.
Emotional numbness or feeling “crazy” and scattered. Unable to define how you feel or name emotions due to squashing them down for so long.

Why do survivors feel this way? Well, every thought and decision they have made in their abusive relationship has been “wrong.” There have been repercussions, comments and reinforced negative beliefs to literally everything they have done, said, worn, thought, moved, spent, washed, cooked, cleaned, and felt.

Research published in Psychological Medicine shows that victims of long-term psychological manipulation often exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including hypervigilance, emotional numbness, and intrusive flashbacks.

I can support that finding from lived experience. While I continue to heal, and am in the best mental space I have been in years, just writing this article has churned up memories of my abuser and his gaslighting ways. I am still daunted by the extremes he was willing to go to manipulate me.

The Energy Drain: Emotional Exhaustion

While the abuser is manipulating, you are defending… well, you are trying too. Gaslighters tend to have this never-ending energy to be right, and it’s utterly exhausting. This creates chronic emotional exhaustion with the constant effort to:

Defend your reality against continual denial by your abuser.

Prove your experiences to someone committed to dismissing them.

Navigate conversations designed to confuse rather than communicate.

There is no time for self-care, there are no boundaries, or allowance for personal growth. You are constantly on guard, on edge for the next error you make. You are constantly wrong.

Fear of Speaking Out: The Silencing Effect

Gaslighting creates a particularly disgusting form of silencing because it makes survivors afraid of their own voices. It makes them afraid of speaking up.

Inside, they question if their concerns are valid, so they don’t voice them. Pre-emptive criticism occurs where survivors minimise their own experiences. If they do speak up, they are labelled as being dramatic, unstable or sensitive.

Anxiety about others’ reaction to your perspective and anticipating invalidation or dismissal from people in the survivor’s support system further encourages them to remain silent.

Recognising the Signs of Gaslighting

Healing after gaslighting means learning to recognise when you are being gaslighted. Because gaslighting is designed to create confusion, it’s not always that easy to identify.

Here are some ways to determine if you are being gaslit:

You find yourself constantly apologising, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
You feel like you’re “walking on eggshells” in a relationship.
You question your memory or doubt your perception after conversations.
You feel confused about what’s real and what isn’t.
You need others to confirm or validate your experiences before trusting your feelings and thoughts.
You feel like you’re “going crazy” or losing your mind.
You experience anxiety when expressing your thoughts or feelings.
You notice that your reality is consistently dismissed or minimised.

Research shows that gaslighting can occur in various relationship contexts, including romantic partnerships, family relationships, workplace dynamics, and even medical settings.

Trust Your Intuitive Responses

If something feels “off” about your interactions with someone, that feeling deserves attention. A 2024 trauma recovery study emphasises that rebuilding trust in your intuitive responses is crucial for healing from gaslighting (Firefly Therapy Austin, 2025).

Signs your intuition may be alerting you to gaslighting:

Feeling drained or confused after interactions with specific people.
Noticing discrepancies between someone’s words and actions.
Sensing manipulation even when you can’t articulate why.
Feeling like you need to “prove” your reality to certain individuals.

How to Begin Reclaiming Your Power

Healing from the impacts of gaslighting, like any other form of abuse, requires the rebuilding of self-trust.

Reframe your thoughts

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, not a reflection on your sensitivity or strength as a person. If you are questioning your perception or feelings about a situation, remind yourself, “someone undermined me for their own purposes. My thoughts and feelings are valid”

Self-Compassion

Self-compassion practices can take you a long way in healing chronic abuse from gaslighting. Remind yourself that gaslighting affects mentally healthy and intelligent people. Feeling confused is a normal response to horrible treatment. It’s completely understandable that you are questioning due to the ongoing manipulation you received. Research emphasises that self-compassion is crucial for healing from psychological abuse, as it counteracts the shame and self-blame that gaslighting creates.

Journaling

Journaling can help you regain trust in yourself. Keeping such documents can show patterns of conversations and allow you to document how you feel. A 2024 study on gaslighting recovery found that keeping detailed records helps survivors regain confidence in their perceptions and provides concrete evidence when doubt arises.

Boundaries

Protecting yourself through boundaries is important. You do not have to engage in discussions designed to make you question your memory or feelings. You do not need to prove to anyone else why you feel or believe anything. End any conversations which become circular or abusive. Some examples of these are:

“I remember this differently, and I’m not going to debate my memory”
“My experience of this situation is valid, even if you see it differently”
“I am taking a break from this conversation”

Give yourself permission to trust your first impression before second-guessing yourself. Accept that your emotional responses are completely valid information about any situation. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Support

Having a trusted circle of validators does help your healing process. I’m not talking about surrounding yourself with a bunch of “yes” people, but an honest mini cheer squad is a good thing to have when you are growing self-trust from zero. Share how you feel with people who trust and respect your perspective.

You may even consider joining a support group for survivors of psychological abuse, particularly those for gaslighting survivors. These can be helpful as they allow for experiences to be shared and validated with those who have experienced similar, reduces isolation and any feelings of shame about what happened and can provide feedback from those who have healed about what worked for them.

Professional Support

Working with trauma-informed therapists who understand the impacts of gaslighting can give you some great tools to help you heal. If this is a path you would like to follow, consider a therapist who specialises in emotional abuse recovery.

When to Seek Professional Support

There are a mountain of benefits from professional support and guidance, especially if you are experiencing any of the following:

Persistent anxiety that interferes with daily functioning.
Depression or hopelessness about your ability to trust yourself.
PTSD symptoms, including flashbacks, hypervigilance, or emotional numbing.
Difficulty forming new relationships due to trust issues.
Self-harm thoughts or behaviours related to shame and self-doubt.

There are multiple approaches to healing under guidance, and you can work with your therapist on what options would be best.

From Powerlessness to Empowerment

Gaslighting can steal your confidence in your reality, but it cannot permanently erase your capacity to heal and grow.

Like all healing from abuse, recovering from psychological manipulation is not about returning to who you were before, it’s about the new you who has grown from the diversity you have faced. More aware, with new boundary-setting skills and resilience that were not present before.

Remember that questioning your reality in response to the ongoing distortion you faced was an intelligent adaptation to an abnormal situation. Now that you understand what happened, you can begin intentional work to rebuild trust in yourself and create the emotional safety you want in your relationships.

Ready to begin your healing journey? Sign up for our newsletter to receive fortnightly resources, tips, and support for healing from an abusive relationship. The Resilient Blueprint offers researched guidance for survivors ready to reclaim their power and build the lives they want.

FAQs

Q: What are the first steps to start healing emotionally from gaslighting?

Begin by acknowledging that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, not a reflection of who you are. Start documenting your experiences and feelings through journaling and consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who understands gaslighting dynamics. Most importantly, practice self-compassion as you begin rebuilding trust in yourself.

Q: How can I stop self-critical thoughts that developed from gaslighting?

Challenge negative self-talk by asking, “Is this thought based on evidence or on what my manipulator told me?” Practice replacing self-critical statements with neutral or compassionate ones. For example, instead of “I’m always wrong,” try “I’m learning to trust my thoughts and feelings again.”

Q: How long does it typically take to recover from gaslighting?

Recovery timelines will vary significantly depending on factors like the duration and severity of the gaslighting, your support system, and whether you’re working with a qualified therapist. Some survivors notice improvement in weeks to months, while others need longer for complete healing. Healing is bumpy, so there will be good days and bad days. The important thing is tiny efforts every day, not speed.

Sources:

Journal of Family Violence

Frontiers in Psychology

Cambridge University

Journal of Interpersonal Violence