Questions to help you understand what you want to do with your life right now while healing from an abusive relationship. This post may include affiliate links – 14 Minute Read
So, you’re healing from an abusive relationship. It might have ended a few months ago, or it might have been years ago. Either way, you’re finally safe enough to start processing what happened and what it did to your nervous system.
Meanwhile… bills still show up. Work still wants your attention. Family still has needs. Your brain is trying to heal from trauma and remember to pay the electricity. It’s super fun.
When we’re stuck in the mechanics of survival, it’s so easy to forget that we’re also allowed to live. To want things. To dream again. To perhaps make some goals. To say:
“Okay, but what do I actually want my life to look like now?”
That question can feel enormous, especially when you’re healing from an abusive relationship. Big life decisions can send an already-fried nervous system into overdrive. That’s why we’re not starting with big decisions. We’re starting with a few itty-bitty questions.
These 10 questions are to help you understand what you want to do with your life right now. They’re designed to:
- Slow your brain down (questions do that; they force your mind to focus on one thing at a time).
- Support your trauma recovery, not bulldoze it.
- Help you reconnect with your values, your preferences, and your voice. Basically, everything that is beautifully you.
- Be reused whenever you need a reset. Because healing takes time, and your answers will evolve as you do.
You can use these as journal prompts, voice notes, or reflection during a walk. Think of them as small ways to bring you to the present while you look towards your future… stoic, I know.
Why questions are calming for an anxious, healing brain
If you live with anxiety (especially post-trauma anxiety), your brain loves open loops: “What if…?”, “Should I…?”, “What’s wrong with me?” It spins, catastrophises, and tries to predict every outcome.
Writing down specific questions and answering them turns all that vague panic into something more structured. You’re shifting from swirling thoughts into focused attention, which is a key part of how mindfulness and grounding works.
That’s also why making lists or brain-dumps often reduces anxiety. It switches up the part of the brain you are using. You move from being emotionally driven to logical thinking. This means your nervous system gets a little signal of, “Ooooh, we’re doing something about this,”. This supports self-care as opposed to self-attacking (it’s a thing).
It doesn’t matter if they’re questions to relieve anxiety or like these, life-direction questions. The beauty of using prompts with journaling gets you out of “I don’t know what I want” mode.
You can also repeat them as often as you need because your situation is forever changing as you heal and grow.
How to use these 10 questions
These are ideas only, you can use them however you want.
- Choose one prompt a day for the next ten days, or
- Have a “reset weekend” and work through a few at once.
- Answer in bullet points if full sentences feel like too much.
- Be kind to yourself. You’re healing; this isn’t a performance review.
You don’t have to get it “right.” …there literally is no “right” with these questions. Leave any need for perfectionism at the door. You’re just getting curious. Sounding out ideas. Getting to know what you want.
The Questions
1. If I stripped away everyone else’s expectations, what would I want my days to look and feel like?
This question centres on autonomy. Your right to make choices based on your needs, not old scripts from partners, family, or society.
Self-determination theory tells us that autonomy (freedom to choose), competence (feeling capable), and relatedness (feeling connected) are three basic psychological needs that support our motivation and well-being. When these needs are supported, our mental health improves… when they’re blocked, it suffers.
After an abusive relationship, autonomy has usually been trampled. This prompt asks:
- What time would I wake up if it were up to me?
- How would I spend my mornings?
- How much rest would I get?
- How much time would I spend alone vs with people?
- What would my evenings feel like in my ideal “normal” week?
Write about textures, smells, spaces, and feelings, not just tasks: calm, spacious, playful, creative, morning, productive, slow. This is self-care, not fantasy, you’re learning what your nervous system and heart actually want.
2. What values do I most want my life to stand for right now, and where in my week am I already living them (or not)?
When you’re healing from an abusive relationship, it’s normal to feel like your identity has been shattered. For me, it felt like I never had one to start with. Values help to build a sense of who you are.
In therapies like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values clarification is central because living in line with your values is linked to better well-being and psychological flexibility. This is the ability to respond to life in more flexible, resilient ways. We learn to bounce back better when we take an emotional hit.
A few examples of values:
- Growth – learning, trying new things, taking small risks, overcoming fears.
- Connection – deep conversations, community connection, love, friendship.
- Creativity – art, writing, making things, problem-solving.
- Stability – routines, financial safety, steady work.
- Freedom – flexibility, travel, working for yourself.
If you want to write these down, perhaps think about:
- Right now, my top 3 values are…
- In the last week, where did I live those values, and how did I feel?
- Where am I totally out of alignment with my values? What am I forcing myself to do that I am uncomfortable with?
This brings your focus back to what matters to you instead of what other people think you should care about, think you should do, or how you should live.
3. In the past year, when have I felt most alive and like myself? What exactly was I doing, and who was I with?
These could be small moments. Laughing with a friend over coffee, losing track of time while drawing, walking near the ocean, cooking a meal, learning something new.
Self-determination theory suggests that the moments we feel most like ourselves usually meet our needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
When you felt like you were living the life you wanted, look at:
- Activities – what were you doing?
- People – were they gentle, curious, respectful, fun, calm?
- Environment – noisy or quiet? Nature or indoors?
This determines where you felt most alive, what you were doing and who you were with, the type of personalities they were, and how you felt afterwards (drained or energised).
4. If my life were a book, what would the current chapter be called, and what would I want the next chapter’s title to be?
This one taps into narrative identity. This is the idea that we can understand ourselves through the stories we tell about our lives. Research suggests that more coherent and hopeful personal stories are linked to better mental health and a stronger sense of purpose. It’s counteracting the negative self-talk that more commonly chatters away in our noggin.
Examples:
- Current chapter: The Year I Finally Left
Next chapter: Learning to Trust Myself Again - Current chapter: Running on Empty
Next chapter: Building with Boundaries - Current chapter: Survival Mode
Next chapter: Experiments with Joy
You’re not writing your whole book here…but you can if you want.
You’re playing with headings. That shift alone helps your brain move from being on autopilot to seeing the subtle changes in your life. It’s also a great regulation if you are suffering from an anxious mind.
5. Who is my ‘possible self’ five years from now if things go well? What am I spending time on, and what have I stopped tolerating and left behind?
Psychologists phrased the “possible self”. It’s an image of who you might become in the future. The idea of possible selves links your personal concepts to motivation and gives direction to your efforts. It’s been shown in multiple studies to increase optimism, improve mood and well-being and help clarify your goals.
When you write about your possible self in five years:
- Where are you living?
- What kind of work or study are you doing (or not doing)?
- How do you treat your body?
- Who is in your life, and who isn’t?
- What boundaries are non-negotiable now?
There’s no room for perfection here; perfection is a myth, and this isn’t a cast-in-stone plan. It’s about self-compassion. Letting yourself imagine a future that isn’t controlled by your abuser, your past, friends, family or any other pressures.
6. If I changed nothing about my life, what is the most realistic ‘feared future’ version of me 5–10 years from now?
Possible selves research also looked at feared selves. The versions of us we really don’t want to become (burned out, stuck, numb, still people-pleasing, still feeling unsafe, no boundaries). That’s right, they learnt that fear also motivates us.
Ask yourself:
- If I keep living exactly like I am now, where am I likely to be in 5–10 years?
- What hurts in that picture? What scares me?
- Which patterns (overworking, staying small, avoiding decisions, no boundaries) would create that future?
This is not about shaming yourself. The behavioural patterns we pick up from abusive relationships are because we are protecting ourselves. There is zero shame in that.
This is grounding in the present, seeing a trajectory and saying ok, I need to help something shift away from that pattern. It’s purely self-reflection without judgment.
7. In what ways do I want to contribute to something bigger than myself? People, causes, or creations. And what feels meaningful about that contribution?
Healing from an abusive relationship often includes a deep desire to have meaning come out of your pain. For your life to feel like more than survival.
This is part of the motivation for starting The Resilient Blueprint for me. It is also why I microfinance to support other women in their businesses. I wanted to take what happened to me and turn it into something that could help others.
Research on meaning in life shows that feeling your life is significant and purposeful is strongly linked to your psychological well-being.
This doesn’t need to be grand or public gestures whatsoever. It could be:
- Raising kind kids
- Volunteering once a month
- Sharing your story safely when you’re ready
- Creating art that comforts others
- Doing work that aligns with your values
This supports healing by reminding you that you are more than what happened to you. You have something to offer the world. We all have something to offer the world.
8. Which of these needs feels the most starved right now:
(a) freedom to choose my path (autonomy)
(b) feeling capable and effective (competence)
(c) feeling genuinely seen and connected (relatedness)?
When these needs are chronically thwarted, well-being and motivation tank drastically. When they’re supported, you naturally grow and engage more in life.
Ask yourself:
- Where do I feel trapped or controlled? (autonomy)
- Where do I feel like I’m failing or never good enough? (competence)
- Where do I feel lonely, unseen, or unsafe? (relatedness)
Then reflect:
- What’s one action I could take this month to feed that need?
This question is like a diagnostic tool. It helps you focus on the right area.
It’s important to do this task with compassion and without judgment. This is about honest self-reflection, not believing the stories we tell ourselves that aren’t true (particularly about competence)…thank you, inner critic.
9. What am I willing to do badly, awkwardly, or imperfectly for the next 6–12 months because the direction matters more than my comfort?
Real change rarely feels comfortable. Especially when your nervous system is wired for threat after an abusive relationship.
Change is often about taking values-based action that’s uncomfortable, rather than waiting to feel ready or fearless. If we wait to feel fearless, we will be waiting forever.
Some examples:
- Going to a weekly art class even though our social anxiety screams.
- Starting a savings habit even though money feels overwhelming.
- Saying “no” and spending the evening working through guilt instead of people-pleasing.
This is where self-compassion is vital. You’re not bullying yourself into change; that’s not what this is about. You’re acknowledging that healing from an abusive relationship means learning to tolerate discomfort for your own sake, not someone else’s approval. You are leaving external validation behind for your own.
10. If I had to choose just one 30-day experiment that would move me towards the life I’ve just described, what would it be?
All the theory in the world means nothing if there’s no practice to go with it.
But instead of trying to overhaul your entire life all at once (something I am totally against because I know it doesn’t work), you’re choosing a 30-day experiment with something small, specific, and temporary.
Behaviour change research and self-regulation strategies show that small, time-limited experiments are less overwhelming, so you’re more likely to stick to them than grand life decisions.
We’re talking about little non-invasive habits that are easy to be consistent with. These could look like:
- 30 days of a morning check-in: What do I need today to feel supported?
- 30 days of list-making to reduce anxiety: every evening, listing 3 things that went well and 3 tiny actions for tomorrow.
- 30 days of connection: one text, comment, or call to those you feel safe and connect with.
- 30 days of creativity: 10 minutes of drawing, doodling, journaling, or music daily.
This isn’t a 30-day life fix. It’s to experiment, observe, and tweak. Try something, and then you could move on to something else the next month.
Final Comments
The answers you write today are not a contract. This isn’t a life plan.
As we grow and heal, it’s natural that our goals change. As we achieve goals, we might want to move on to the next. Nothing is set in stone, and there is no reason you can’t change whatever you want. You’re allowed to:
- Want something now and want something different later.
- Achieve a goal and then outgrow it.
- Redefine your version of success as many times as you need.
That’s growth. Your life, your choice, your pace.
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FAQs
Q: How often should I revisit these 10 questions to discover what I want in my life?
You can revisit them whenever you feel lost, stuck, or restless. Your answers will shift as you move through your healing. Many people find it helpful to redo these prompts every 3–6 months or at the start of a new season. But really, you can repeat them whenever you need.
Q: Can these journal prompts really help me figure out what I want in my life right now?
They won’t replace professional help, but they can help. Writing about your values, possible selves, and current chapter has been linked to increased optimism, clarity, and well-being.
Q: What if I don’t know the answers to these questions yet?
That’s completely ok. In fact, it’s normal, and that happened to me a lot. A “maybe” and “I don’t know yet” is a perfectly valid journal response. It takes some time to connect with what you want when you’ve been disconnected for so long. You’re not sitting an exam; you’re encouraging your curiosity. Even noticing which questions feel hardest is useful information. It shows you where shame, fear, or old conditioning might be blocking your voice. This gives you something to explore more as time passes.
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Nadine Brown
As a survivor of emotional and physical abuse, I know firsthand how difficult the healing journey can be. I created The Resilient Blueprint as a passion project—an accessible resource hub designed to empower others on their path to recovery. My goal is to provide survivors with the knowledge, tools, and support they need to reclaim their lives.
