Healing is Hard

Healing is learning new habits and processing old events. Healing is teaching ourselves to be who we want to be while simultaneously accepting ourselves for who we are.

Healing is understanding that our past does not define us. Understanding that no one’s opinion of us defines us.

There are hundreds of articles, quotes and poems regarding the healing journey’s twists and setbacks. Lots of fluffy stuff romanticising the healing journey. Instagram photos with beautiful word overlays covering images of pretty women doing yoga (I have posted some of these pretty pictures myself).

Many speak of the need to be patient and the toil of emotional processing, triggers and setbacks being a normal part of the healing journey

I agree with the pretty pictures; you should always treat yourself with love and kindness, and healing involves some heavy lifting.

However, I have a simpler view of healing that helped me with the frustration and impatience.

Healing is learning to do something new. To be someone new. To grow. And when learning anything new, you’re a beginner, so it is hard.

You are attempting to change yourself. To think differently. You’re rewiring your brain and thought patterns that occurred because of the extended abuse you endured.

This looks like self-discovery, processing past events and their impact, understanding the physical presentation of trauma in your body, learning emotional regulation, boundaries, personal awareness, habit creation… It’s a lot. You are literally in training. You’re at healing school. Healing university, if you will. And like all studies, that Bachelor of Healing is going to take a while.

I’ve based this piece on my own experiences in healing. By the end of the post I’ll answer:

What is healing
Why setbacks are a normal part of healing
How to reframe setbacks as signs of growth
Practical tools to move through emotional lows
Ways to celebrate progress even when it feels slow

What is healing?

Healing is personal. Everyone moves through it differently, with different goals, outlooks and pasts.

Healing is a new way of life. Healing makes time and space for our needs to be considered and delivered front and centre.

When we were babies and we were learning to walk, we tried repeatedly to get up, only to fall over again. That’s learning. It never changes. Learning happens over time, regardless of what the topic or task is.

Did we berate ourselves when learning to walk? No, we just got back up because we were learning. There was no timeline or end date; we just kept trying with little breaks in between until we got there.

As we age, our expectations of the time it takes to learn new things increase. Without delay, we want to be the happy person we envision in the future, without these worries and horrible feelings weighing us down.

Your brain has been impacted by prolonged events of abuse it has responded and adapted to that environment. You are now working on undoing that damage. Rewire it. Heal.

Healing can be discouraging and frustrating.

It felt like I was cleaning out a messy house filled with boxes, bags, dust and broken things. Everything was covered in cobwebs and had a hazy feel about it. I didn’t know what I was going to find whenever I lifted a box to move it. Repeatedly unearthing things and then dealing with what I found.

Oh look, there seems to be anger due to my lack of boundaries… Better dust that off and sort it.

Healing is learning something new. It’s learning a lot of new things.

We are learning to implement new habits to rewire our brain from the habitual methods it has put in place to protect us.

At the same time as learning these new habits, we are learning how to accept ourselves just as we are. To understand and accept that we are whole and we are enough.

That’s a lot of pressure on ourselves. That’s a lot to take in and process.

The Misconception of Healing

Healing Isn’t a Straight Path or Set Time

Healing doesn’t look like yoga, meditating, and glowing faces in the afternoon sun.

There are moments of joy, daily glimmers, in balance with hard questions, difficult realisations and gritty choices.

There’s no steady climb upwards; it’s more of a spiral or series of waves. A harder wave can trigger deeper emotions to process, which feels like you’re sinking backwards. But you’re just working through the next level you didn’t know about until now.

You are teaching yourself new pathways, ways of life, habits, self-reflection, understanding… A lot is going on, and too much to list.

As a survivor of domestic abuse, we may have similar histories, and our bodies may react in similar ways due to our brain’s trauma processes, but what works for our healing is uniquely different for each of us. What resonates for you may not resonate for me, and over time, our needs for our healing will change.

Those changing needs we feel prove our growth. What no longer resonates with us occurs because we’ve moved to the next level of healing.

I’ve been called out several times on my healing. I’m not forthcoming with many about details of my history, it’s just not something I bring up in small talk, but occasionally I’ve made comment regarding a bad week, or a trigger, and often been rebuffed with cutting comments given the years it’s been since I escaped from by abusive relationship.

I mean… Why aren’t you over it yet? You must not be doing the right things if you’re still having problems.

Yeah… That’s now how it works.

Healing timelines are a massive misconception about healing. There is no set timeline or process tick box list. We just aren’t built that way.

It does not always feel like progress. Its highs, lows and plateaus… better known as “feeling stuck”.

I’m not going to give you false promises of quick healing. But what does make it easier is changing your mindset on how you see healing.

You are a student learning how to be you without the weight of trauma.

Approach healing and all its big emotions with curiosity and understanding, and you could find the shift that helps.

Why Setbacks Happen

Healing is unpacking all the emotions attached to past events that you weren’t safe to deal with when in the abusive setting.
Healing involves processing deep emotions, which can bring up old wounds.
Stress in life can reignite past trauma responses, and that can make you feel like you’re backtracking.
Progress and healing can be overwhelming, as they challenge your old coping mechanisms and initiate new ones.

Think of healing like ocean waves.

Some waves feel gentle, while others hit hard. Each wave moves you forward, even if it temporarily pulls you back. See, I can be poetic too.

Setbacks don’t erase progress; it’s part of learning.

What feels like a setback often means you’re reaching a new level of awareness or reflection in your healing. Facing difficult emotions or triggers head-on is a sign that you’re working through to understand them, not avoiding them.

That’s growth.

Emotional Impact of Setbacks

Common Feelings During a Setback

Frustration: “Why am I still struggling with this?” or “I should be over this by now”
Guilt: “I should be doing better”, or “others have it worse than me”
Self-Blame: “Maybe I’ll never truly heal”, or “I let this happen”

Reframing Your Experience

A setback is not failure. It’s a sign that something deeper is being processed. It’s an increase in self-awareness.
Feeling emotional again, or locating a trigger, doesn’t mean you’ve lost progress; it means you’re processing the next stage.

You’ve just stepped up a level in your training.

This is hard. I know because I’ve been there. How do you not get frustrated when you are so ready to move on with your life, and over being tripped up by triggers and emotional processing at every turn?

By being curious. By being interested in how your brain and body are reacting. By focusing on your self-awareness rather than getting carried away with the emotions you are feeling.

It takes practice. Every step, regardless of forward or back, is growth.

Reframing Setbacks as Growth

Signs That a Setback Is Progress

You recognise your old patterns instead of acting on them unconsciously.
You can name your emotions instead of letting them consume you.
You understand that the moment you are feeling will pass.
You feel safe to process deeper emotions that once felt too overwhelming.
You can review what is happening to you with curiosity rather than fear.

Examples of Setbacks Leading to Breakthroughs

Struggling with setting boundaries but realising you no longer tolerate toxic behaviour.
Feeling frustrated with someone’s actions towards you, but understanding that you can strengthen a boundary to stop that emotional reaction.
Feeling overwhelmed with emotions, but noticing you recover more quickly than before.
Experiencing anxiety in a safe relationship but recognising it’s your trauma, not reality.
Feeling unbothered by others’ negative reactions when you say “No”.

Tools for Moving Through Setbacks

Keep it simple and keep it consistent. Add the little habits that work for you 1% at a time.

Four main principles work for me when working through setbacks or healing in general.

Grounding Techniques

Deep breathing exercises to regulate your nervous system.
Sensory grounding (holding a cold object, listening to calming sounds, watching nature, walking barefoot on the ground).
Movement such as stretching and yoga moves. Feeling the movement of my body.

Journaling for Perspective

Write about what triggered the setback and how it connects to your healing journey. It’s amazing what comes out when you write.
List three things you handle better now compared to the past.

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

Remind yourself: This is temporary. This is going to pass.
Treat yourself with the kindness. You’re your best friend so remember that.

Seeking Support

Talk to a therapist or trusted friend about what you’re experiencing.
Join a support group where others are healing. They can be online or in person.

Celebrating Progress Despite Setbacks

I didn’t realise how important this was until I started seeing the tiny changes in my life. Those glimmers that grow.

We get so caught up in the end goal, which can feel far from our reach. We don’t realise how far we’ve come until we look backwards. Until we look at where we started.

Keep a “Setback Journal”

Track what triggered your setback, how you handled it, and what you learned.
Look back to see patterns of growth over time.

Ask yourself: Where was I a year ago? How have I changed?
Even if healing feels slow, recognise the small victories.

Reward Yourself for Resilience

Celebrate the fact that you’re still showing up for yourself. Celebrate your wins.
Treat yourself to something meaningful. A self-care day, a favourite meal, a day just reading. Whatever means something to you.

Final Thoughts: Keep Moving Forward

You can’t avoid setbacks in healing. That is healing and part of your training, so you can unearth all the tiny mine fields of your trauma.

It’s about learning to navigate them with self-compassion.

Progress isn’t measured by how quickly you heal but by your willingness to remain self-aware and keep going.

What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself through a setback? Share in the comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

You will get there. Healing will happen.

FAQs

Q: Why does healing feel like it’s going backwards sometimes?

Healing involves processing emotions and past events in layers. Setbacks happen when your mind and body work through deeper trauma. It doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It means you’re healing at a new level of training and learning.

Q: How can I deal with setbacks in my healing process?

Use grounding techniques, journaling, mindfulness, and self-compassion to move through setbacks. Recognise that they are a normal part of healing. Be curious.

Q: What do setbacks mean, and how can I keep going?

Setbacks are signs of growth, not failure. They indicate that you’re working through trauma rather than avoiding it. Keep going by celebrating progress, seeking support, and being kind to yourself.

The Simple Mindset Change That Accelerated My Healing