Needing to forgive is a myth. Your emotions are valid, your timeline is your own, and healing never requires forgiving your abuser. – 10 Minute Read
We’re told that forgiveness is for ourselves. That carrying negative feelings for another will harm us ultimately more than the damage that happened to us in the first place. I’ve heard more than once that my healing depends on my ability to forgive the person who hurt me. That processing and working through anger aimed at my abuser, about what happened to me, is keeping me stuck
Like hell it is.
As if the base of the problem that occurred, somehow, is me. Not what was done to me.
To be fair, in matters of personal faith, I understand that this is a proverb that is taught, and if you deep down feel this belief is true, then that is wholeheartedly yours to hold.
But not me.
The statement of needing to forgive and move on is one of the most victim-blaming things routinely said to survivors.
It is repeated casually in the media, self-help books, by well-meaning family members, especially in religious settings, and even in the occasional therapy room.
Because, apparently, with all the anger and confusion we are already carrying, we also have to carry the guilt of not being able to let it all go and forgive?
Needing to forgive is a myth.
Your anger is valid and yours to process as you wish. Your timeline is entirely your own. Your healing is never conditional on forgiving your abuser.
Where Did This "Forgive and Forget" Script Come From?
I just want to point out up front, the line “forgive and forget” was not taken from religion. It came from 14th century writters, one of whom was Shakespeare.
However, the idea that forgiveness is required for healing is deeply tied to religious and cultural traditions that were never designed with abuse survivors in mind.
Psychologists and researchers began studying forgiveness as a healing mechanism linked to “unresolved anger” in the 20th century. Its outcome was that forgiveness is a way to release that anger. This is particularly true when directed at self-anger, something many survivors do encounter.
This belief that forgiveness heals, however, has been broadened as a “capture all”.
When the idea of forgiveness is embedded as the resolution of trauma, the assumption is typically that both parties involved held fault. But when one person has been abused, and the other was the abuser, that framework has no business being present.
“You need to forgive” places the responsibility for cleaning up someone else’s damage squarely on the abused.
It says to the abused: “That thing that happened to you is yours to brush under the carpet; now let it go”. Not the abuser’s to account for. Yours.
The pain and suffering you were subjected to? Well, you know, you better let that go before you get cast into a life of bitterness because you can’t forgive… What a horrific message to pass to survivors.
This does not discount that forgiveness can be a powerful tool for those who want to follow that path in their own time. It is, however, not a mandatory step, and it has, for too long, been used as an avoidance tactic to avoid accountability or hard discussions by those who don’t want to face either their actions or the pain of others.
True, while we are not responsible for the actions that were made against us, we are responsible for the healing of our trauma. That part is unavoidable. But that does not automatically include forced forgiveness.
Many of us, when we were children, were forced to apologise, or forgive. These were beliefs connected to family values, religion or even culture. Not an action by choice. It enforced something we didn’t feel as an obligation that “had” to happen. It’s something many of us now do without thought, even though it is not how we feel. Part of true healing on your own terms is deciding which beliefs match your values now.
The Pressure to Forgive Can Slow Your Healing
The forced pressure of forgiving your abuser actively interferes with your healing. It adds to the shame and self-judgment you’re already dealing with.
Being told by others, media, or yourself that you should forgive is just another thing to manage. You might not feel ready; you might simply not want to (completely valid response by the way). Now you have the pressure of not responding to your “trauma” in the right way.
It’s unnecessary pressure that has no place in your healing. Self-judgement and shame slow the healing process rather than help it. You work through your emotions as you need without the input of any third party about how you go about it. Forcing a narrative that’s not yours or doesn’t feel right to you just does damage.
If you are working through the early parts of recovering from an abusive relationship, the last thing you need is a perceived weight that you are doing it wrong.
Who Does This Pressure Actually Serve?
Others.
There is a concept that if you forgive, the matter is closed. That everyone can move on, and it’s no longer a topic of conversation, or something that needs to be brought up again.
Forced forgiveness puts the focus on your abuser.
It removes the pressure on those around you, particularly those more focused on their own comfort and who don’t have your best interests in mind, to provide support or sit with your pain.
It moves focus to proritise the needs of others, once again, before your healing or rebuilding of your own life.
There is a broader social outlook that forgiveness and justice are two different things. That is potentially true in purely healthy approachse if that suits you. However, in smaller communities or family groups, forced forgiveness has the benifit of making a hard problem go away.
Forgiveness concepts that include the idea of reconciliation can also b misused to force survivors into situations they are not ready for or where they feel unsafe.
That is not healing. That is harm dressed up as spiritual guidance.
Your healing belongs to you. It is not required to benefit anyone else. It is absolutely not required to benefit the person who caused the damage or anyone else who is not there to support you.
Your Anger Is Valid. Every Part of It
It’s not about staying angry or grasping onto righteous outrage for what has happened to you.
You’re going to process anger for as long as you need and as long as it takes.
The pressure of delivering forgiveness to your abuser often comes with the message that you must let go of anger on command. That your anger is some way is a wrong way of processing what has happened to you. Yeah, that’s not how this works.
There are no good and bad emotions.
When you have suffered through abuse you’re often forced into withholding your emotional responses. Now you are free, you have space for those emotions to come to the surface and be processed.
Anger is a completely valid emotional response to abuse, betrayal, and violation. It is not evidence that you are stuck, or that it’s doing damage to you, and it does not mean you have failed at anything. Anger in healing is real; it is appropriate, and it has a place in your healing.
When you suppress anger it tends to turn inward and can manifest as depression, shame, and disconnection from yourself.
You are completely allowed to feel broken, angry, betrayed, and full of rage for as long as that is true for you. You do not need to put on a performance of peace for anyone. You do not need to find your healing on anyone else’s schedule
The emotions you feel are information, not an obstacle that needs to the tackled. They are telling you that what happened to you mattered. That you matter.
Maybe Forgiveness is the Wrong Word
Healing enough to ultimately let go of your anger is an amazing and valid goal if that’s what you want. But really, this doesn’t require forgiveness of your abuser.
Many consider the removal of anger or “letting go” as a form of forgiveness but I argue that’s not the case.
You ability to review your past without a mire of emotions in no way provides absolution to your abuser for their actions. It’s more about being released from the power your memories had over you.
Regardless of what happens to us in life, whether it is an abusive relationship or any other trauma, it is, frustratingly, our own responsibility to heal. It does not matter who is to blame, because the only person who can heal us is us. But that does not mean we have to do it on anyone else’s terms, or according to a belief system we never consciously chose.
Which means it does not have to happen under the misconception that you need to forgive.
As you heal you might notice there are days that feel softer than others that feel like you’re right back at the start. After some time something that feels a little like acceptance might pop up.
You might start to notice the strengths you have gained from moving forward in your own time. The lessons you’ve learned. The boundaries you have built.
A natural evolution of your emotional processing without force through obligation or social pressure. A process that is focused on your healing and needs rather than what you need to do to benefit the abuser or those around you.
What Healing on Your Own Terms Means
Drop the rules that were never yours to start with.
The Resilient Blueprint is entirely built on the concept of finding what works for you to heal your way. That is how we heal.
The needing to forgive myth hands you a rulebook written by someone else who has not had your experience, does not have you memories, and tells you to follow it anyway.
You’re allowed to decide what healing looks like to you. You’re allowed to hold your anger for as long as you want. You’re allowed to never forgive your abuser. You’re allowed to land at your version of peace because it became true for you in your time, on your own terms.
There is zero about your healing that requires the participation or approval of the person who hurt you, or anyone else in your life. It does not, under any circumstances, require you to perform forgiveness for anyone else’s comfort.
You Were Never Doing It Wrong
Needing to forgive is a myth. It always has been. The idea that your healing is conditional on forgiving your abuser was built from someone else’s values which were never designed for your situation.
Your emotions, all fo them, including the massive heavy ones that feel complicated, are valid and are not wrong. Your timeline belongs to you. There is no finish line, no prize for getting anywhere faster and no big rule that says forgiveness is your destination.
If you found this article helpful and want to learn more about why you feel the way you do and follow the patterns you do, you might be interested in learning how to uncover your limiting beliefs. These are the false beliefs we often adopt as truths which govern our patterns in life. You can download the free guide here.
FAQs
Q: Does forgiving your abuser actually help with healing?
Research does show that self-directed forgiveness, releasing self-blame and internal shame, can support emotional recovery. But this is entirely different from forgiving the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness directed toward an abuser is not a requirement of trauma-informed healing. Whether you ever forgive your abuser is entirely your choice, and that choice does not determine your recovery.
Q: Is it normal to still feel angry at your abuser years after leaving?
Completely. Anger is a natural and valid response to abuse, betrayal, and violation. It does not come with an expiry date, and it does not mean you are stuck or failing to heal. Many survivors experience waves of anger long after leaving, including on days when they feel they should be “over it” by now. There is no “over it.” There is only your honest experience, and that deserves space.
Q: What does healing without forgiveness actually look like?
Healing without forgiving your abuser can look like building a sense of safety in your body, setting firm boundaries, reconnecting with who you are outside of what happened, and developing a compassionate relationship with yourself. Many survivors heal fully, emotionally, relationally, creatively, without ever forgiving the person who abused them. Forgiveness, if it ever arrives, tends to be a natural by-product of your own growth. It is never a prerequisite for it.
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Nadine Brown
As a survivor of emotional and physical abuse, I know firsthand how difficult the healing journey can be. I created The Resilient Blueprint as a passion project—an accessible resource hub designed to empower others on their path to recovery. My goal is to provide survivors with the knowledge, tools, and support they need to reclaim their lives.
