The best resources for learning self-love after an abusive relationship. Books, journals, apps, and free tools so you can find what works for you. This post may include affiliate links – 14 Minute Read
The relief on the other side of my abusive relationship was short-lived. It was replaced with the knowledge I didn’t know who I was, and this ongoing, impending feeling of doom that the freedom I now had was going to end.
I no longer knew what I liked or what gave me peace, or even how to be the person I saw in the mirror. I had been surviving so long that I did not know who I really was.
Self-love and self-care weren’t something I knew. That was for selfish people who didn’t put others first as they should…right? A lifetime of beliefs forced on me by others had to be toppled for me to find what I loved and look after myself for a change.
Not bubble baths and affirmations on sticky notes, although I’m not knocking that if that’s your thing. But, building the deeper fundamental belief that I was worth caring for.
When you are shaped by someone else, you are told the opposite, so working on yourself feels foreign and selfish.
This is a post of ideas. There is not one resource that fits every survivor, timeline or budget. I’ve covered five resources, a book, a guided journal, a free website, a mobile app, and a workbook, that approach self-love in different ways. Some are free. Some are structured. All of them are worth considering to find your fit.
At the end, the “Which Resource Is Right for You?” section maps each one to a specific need, which can help guide you.
Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies by Tara Schuster: What It Is and Who It's For
Buy Yourself the Fcking Lilies was published in 2020 and is exactly what it sounds like: a candid, often funny, practical guide to learning how to care for yourself when nobody taught you how.
Author Tara Schuster grew up in a neglectful, chaotic household and spent her early adult years filling that void with overworking, people-pleasing, and a devastating absence of self-worth. The book explains how she re-parented herself through daily rituals and then passes those rituals directly to you. Â
This book maps closely onto what many survivors of abusive relationships will recognise: identifying and dismantling self-limiting beliefs, calming and silencing the inner critic, building a morning practice that suits your needs, and learning to unpack emotional wounds with kindness rather than shame. Schuster doesn’t write like a therapist. She writes like herself, a smart, warm, no-nonsense friend who has been through it and made her way out. The tone is the thing that makes it work; it never rolls into self-help language that makes your eyes roll. Â
If you haven’t read anything self-love themed before, or you’ve attempted to and shied away from their clinical tone, then this one may suit you. It is based on personal experience rather than from a clinical perspective, so if you want more structure in your reading, then this might not be it. It’s also worth noting that the context is distinctly American, which a small number of international readers find jarring.
Pros
- Written by a survivor, not a clinician; relatable and non-clinical in tone throughout.
- Warm, funny, and genuinely readable on the hard days when focus is difficult.
- Practical daily rituals that require minimal time and no financial outlay to implement.
- Directly addresses limiting beliefs, self-criticism, identity reclamation, and gratitude practice.
- Available worldwide in multiple formats, including audiobook.
Cons
- Not evidence-based or clinically trauma-informed.
- Better suited to those with some emotional stability. It may feel too light or dismissive if you are distressed.
- The American cultural context may not resonate with all international readers
The Six Minute Diary by UrBestSelf: What It Is and Who It's For
The Six Minute Diary is a structured, guided journal built on the principles of positive psychology. Created by German wellbeing company UrBestSelf and author Dominik Spenst, it asks for exactly what its name promises: three minutes in the morning and three minutes in the evening.
The morning prompts cover gratitude, daily intention, and what would make the day great. Evening prompts ask what you learned about yourself, what you want to remember from the day, and how you showed up for yourself. Weekly reflections go a little deeper, but that’s it. That’s the whole practice.
The journal has more than three million users worldwide and has been recommended by psychologists and therapists in multiple countries. It’s available in print only, which is a deliberate choice, as UrBestSelf cites research supporting the cognitive and emotional benefits of handwriting over typing for reflective practices. UrBestSelf even commissioned a study through the Berlin Medical School that demonstrated a positive effect on well-being with regular use.
The journal is produced COâ‚‚-neutrally, printed with vegan materials, and covered in French linen. It’s available in more than 20 languages and ships internationally.
If the idea of journaling is confronting, but you want to start somewhere, then this journal could work for you. The structure of the journal directs you what to write about, removing any pressure or heavy lifting. The prompts redirect your attention toward what’s good and what’s growing, which, over time, begins to shift what your brain notices automatically. For survivors whose nervous systems have been trained to scan for danger and problems, this is a fantastic tool for breaking that pattern.
The Six Minute Diary doesn’t include trauma-specific content or self-love prompts directly. It builds positive attention and gratitude, which is great for building a foundation, but it is not a deep emotional processing tool.
Pros
- Six minutes is a simple commitment; achievable even on hard days
- Backed by a published study on wellbeing outcomes (Berlin Medical School)
- Removes the “I don’t know where to start” barrier with clear, simple daily prompts
- Available in 20+ languages and globally through Amazon
- Durable, high-quality physical object that turns journaling into a ritual
Cons
- Print only; no digital or app version available
- Prompts are gratitude-and-positivity focused, not trauma- or self-love-specific
- Each journal lasts approximately 21 weeks, after which a new one is required
- Upfront purchase cost may be a barrier for those on a tight budget
Insight Timer: What It Is and Who It's For
Insight Timer is the world’s largest free meditation app, available on iOS and Android for users in every country. With over 27 million users and a library of more than 300,000 guided meditations, music tracks, talks, sleep content, and breathwork sessions contributed by over 20,000 teachers, it offers more self-love and mindfulness content than any other single platform at no cost.
Among its many categories is a dedicated “Self-Love and Compassion” section, which includes guided meditations, body acceptance practices, inner child work, self-forgiveness sessions, and tracks specifically designed for emotional healing.
The free version provides unlimited access to the full content library. A premium subscription called MemberPlus is available for a monthly or annual fee with a seven-day free trial, and unlocks multi-day courses, offline downloads, and premium audio quality. Both tiers are available globally.
Insight Timer is arguably the most powerful free option on this list. You can access quality, varied, and useful content immediately. The self-love and compassion category alone contains hundreds of tracks, with some as short as five minutes.
It is worth noting that because content is uploaded by a wide range of teachers, not all tracks are trauma-informed, and quality varies. Starting with short, grounding sessions before moving into deeper self-compassion practices is recommended. You can test and trial to find the teachers that resonate with you.
Pros
- Completely free for core access.
- Massive library including a dedicated self-love and compassion category.
- Available worldwide on iOS and Android.
- Premium tier is optional, not required for meaningful use.
Cons
- Content quality varies; not all teachers are trauma-informed.
- Loving-kindness meditations can surface strong emotions unexpectedly.
- App interface may feel cluttered or overwhelming for those with cognitive fog.
- Multi-day courses require the paid MemberPlus subscription.
Self-Compassion.org by Dr Kristin Neff: What It Is and Who It's For
Self-Compassion.org is the free educational website created and maintained by Dr Kristin Neff, a research psychologist and Associate Professor of Educational Psychology. Dr Neff is widely recognised as the first researcher to define and measure self-compassion, a field she has worked in for over twenty years. Recognised as one of the world’s most influential research psychologists, she co-founded the Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion alongside Dr Christopher Germer.
The site offers a freely accessible library of guided audio exercises, written practices, and a self-assessment quiz, all based on her Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) framework. That framework is built on three components: self-kindness (treating yourself with the same warmth you would offer a good friend), common humanity (recognising that suffering and imperfection are universal human experiences, not personal failures), and mindfulness (holding pain in balanced awareness rather than suppressing or dramatising it). An abusive relationship is very effective at creating shame and a deep sense of being fundamentally broken or unworthy in a way others are not. Neff’s framework is built, in part, to address exactly that distortion.
The free resources on the site include exercises such as the Self-Compassion Break, the Soften-Soothe-Allow body practice, and a guided self-compassion journaling exercise. These are evidence-based practices backed by more than a thousand published research studies demonstrating measurable benefits for mental and physical well-being. No account is required, and all content is fully accessible from anywhere in the world. The site also links to Dr Neff’s books and her paid online community, but the core tools are permanently free.
For someone learning self-love after an abusive relationship who wants to understand why the practices work, not just be told what to do, this is the most intellectually grounded resource on this list.
Where it may fall short: the website requires self-direction. There are no reminders, no accountability structures, and no sense of daily progress. Some survivors also find that without a guided container or community, the exercises don’t become a consistent practice. Pairing it with the Six Minute Diary or Insight Timer could help solve for that.
Pros
- Completely free, globally accessible, no account required.
- Created and maintained by the world’s leading self-compassion researcher.
- Directly addresses shame and the sense of being uniquely flawed.
- Includes audio-guided exercises, written practices, and self-assessment tools.
- Backed by decades of peer-reviewed published research.
Cons
- Requires self-motivation and self-direction; no built-in structure or reminders
- A website rather than an app, which some find less integrated into daily life
- No community or accountability features
- Some exercises may bring up confronting emotions early in recovery
The Self-Love Workbook for Women by Megan Logan: What It Is and Who It's For
The Self-Love Workbook for Women was written by Megan Logan, a licensed clinical social worker (MSW, LCSW). It is designed as an active, working document, not a book you read from start to finish, but one you write in, engage with, and return to as needed.
The exercises are drawn from mindfulness practice, positive psychology, and self-care frameworks, and cover a wide range of topics including identifying and releasing self-limiting beliefs, clarifying personal values, understanding emotional patterns, developing self-trust, and building a self-care practice that suits you.
No prior journaling experience is required, and the language throughout is free of clinical jargon. Because the author is a licensed therapist, the framework is professionally grounded in a way that a self-help book from a non-clinician may not be.
If you learn better by doing rather than listening, then this might suit your needs.
Where it may fall short: the workbook is written for women broadly, not specifically for survivors of abuse. It does not address gaslighting, coercive control, or the particular way an abusive relationship dismantles identity over time. Some prompts may feel too gentle.
Pros
- Written by a licensed clinical social worker.
- Active, exercise-based format ideal for hands-on learners.
- Treats self-love as a skill to be built, not a feeling to be summoned.
- Affordable one-time purchase available globally in digital and print formats.
- Self-paced, with no timeline or external pressure.
Cons
- Not trauma-informed or abuse-specific; written for women generally
- Some prompts may feel too surface-level for those with complex or layered trauma.
- Requires self-direction and motivation; less suitable when focus is very low
- Digital format loses the benefit of handwriting for emotional internalisation
Which Resource Is Right for You?
None of the resources above are ranked better or worse than the others. There are options to fit your needs, different stage, even different day.
If you want something warm and readable without sitting down to do exercises: Start with Buy Yourself the Fcking Lilies. It’s the most approachable entry point on this list, reads like a conversation with someone who gets it, and will give you language for experiences you may not have had words for yet.
If you want to build a daily habit without a big time commitment: The Six Minute Diary. Six minutes is genuinely achievable, and the structure removes all decision-making. Over weeks, it shifts what you notice about yourself and your days without ever feeling like hard work.
If cost is a real barrier: Insight Timer and Self-Compassion.org are both entirely free at their core. Insight Timer gives you self-love and compassion meditations on the go. Self-Compassion.org gives you a research-backed framework and guided exercises when you have a longer window of time.
If you want to understand the science behind what you’re doing: Self-Compassion.org, was built by the leading researcher in the field.
If you learn best by doing: The Self-Love Workbook for Women gives you something active and structured to work through at your own pace, written by a clinician.
If your budget allows, consider combining: The Six Minute Diary in the morning for daily habit-building, Insight Timer in the evening for nervous system regulation, and Self-Compassion.org exercises on the days when you want to go deeper. These three together cover different parts of the self-love practice without overlap.
Learning self-love after an abusive relationship is a practice. It takes practice and building tiny habits in your space to suit you. You’ll probably start, abandon it, return to it, and slowly get better at it. You’re teaching yourself to live and love a different way.
We are diverse, which is why the resources in this post are diverse. What these five resources share is that they are practical and available to you daily. It’s a matter of discovering what works for you right now.
FAQ'S
Q: What is the best self-love resource for someone just starting their healing journey?
For a complete beginner, Buy Yourself the Fcking Lilies* and the free exercises at Self-Compassion.org are two of the most accessible starting points. Both require no prior experience with self-development work and no financial commitment beyond the cost of the book.
Q: Which of these self-love resources are available internationally?
All five. Buy Yourself the Fcking Lilies* and The Self-Love Workbook for Women are available as Kindle downloads with no shipping required. The Six Minute Diary ships globally via Amazon and is available in 20+ languages. Insight Timer is a free app available on iOS and Android worldwide. Self-Compassion.org is a website with no geo-restrictions. Learning self-love after an abusive relationship shouldn’t be limited by where you live.
Q: Which product is best for someone who wants to learn what works for them without spending money?
Self-Compassion.org and the free tier of Insight Timer are both completely free. If you eventually want a physical tool at low cost, The Self-Love Workbook for Women is worth considering. Learning what works for you is a worthwhile process, and it doesn’t require money to begin.
Author: Nadine Brown
As a survivor of emotional and physical abuse, I know firsthand how difficult the healing journey can be. I created The Resilient Blueprint as a passion project—an accessible resource hub designed to empower others on their path to recovery. My goal is to provide survivors with the knowledge, tools, and support they need to reclaim their lives.
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Nadine Brown
As a survivor of emotional and physical abuse, I know firsthand how difficult the healing journey can be. I created The Resilient Blueprint as a passion project—an accessible resource hub designed to empower others on their path to recovery. My goal is to provide survivors with the knowledge, tools, and support they need to reclaim their lives.
