Is It Abuse? A Plain Language Checklist for Doubters

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviours. These can include physical, emotional, sexual, financial, digital, cultural, or legal. They’re used to dominate and control another person.

Often, people understand domestic abuse as visible physical harm but overlook the many hidden forms it takes.

Domestic abuse survivors can even be unsure of what is considered abuse. It wasn’t until I was free that I considered the level and number of abuse patterns I had suffered.

This guide clearly outlines types of domestic abuse and its impacts on victims to help you identify and understand.

What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse extends beyond physical violence. It includes controlling tactics used consistently over time to assert complete power and dominance over the victim.

The removal of physical forms of abuse from the equation does not make it any less ominous.

Coercive control by using methods of emotional abuse is just as toxic, damaging and eroding to the victim’s mental health and emotional stability.

The Abuse Cycle

Abuse usually isn’t nonstop. It follows a repeating “cycle” that traps victims.

It starts with a tension-building phase: small put-downs, glaring, walking on eggshells while fear quietly rises.

Then comes the explosion. An outburst of physical, verbal, or other abuse.

Afterwards, the abuser shifts into the honeymoon phase. This is filled with apologies, tears, gifts, promises to change, and even moments of genuine kindness that remind the victim of “the person they fell for.”

A calm period may follow, and each time the victim has hope that things are going to change now. But tension soon rises, and the loop starts again.

Each round deepens confusion, hope, and fear, creating a strong trauma bond. Victims can become indoctrinated to their reality, completely losing a sense of the magnitude of their situation and how they do not deserve what is occurring to them.

Add in practical barriers such as money control, kids, isolation without community, threats, and leaving becomes not a single decision but a risky, complex process that seems unrealistic.

Victims often need multiple attempts before escaping because they’re weighing safety, love, finances, and the fear of things getting worse if they try to break the cycle. It took me over 15 attempts before I got free.

The fear of not knowing where he was and when he was coming for me was greater than being in the same room as him and seeing it coming.

The "Big Six" Types of Domestic Abuse

Physical Abuse

Type of Physical Abuse	What It Looks/Feels Like in Everyday Life
Hitting, Slapping, Punching, Kicking	Bruises in various stages of healing, partner “accidentally” bumping or elbowing, sudden outbursts of striking furniture or walls that escalate to the victim.
Grabbing, Shoving, Restraining	Forcefully yanking an arm during an argument, pinning someone against a wall, blocking exits, holding wrists so they can’t leave or call for help.
Strangulation / Choking	Hands or objects around the neck “just to scare,” pressure on the throat during sex without consent. This can dangerously reduce oxygen and can cause hidden internal injuries.
Hair-pulling & Biting	Yanking hair to control movement, biting shoulders or face, often leaving marks the abuser insists is “playful.”
Weapon Threats or Use	Showing, loading, or pointing guns, knives, or household objects to intimidate or injure. Includes throwing items at the victim.
Forced Substance Use	Pressuring or tricking someone into taking drugs/alcohol, or injecting substances against their will.
Sleep or Food Deprivation	Shaking awake repeatedly, blasting lights/music all night, withholding meals or water as punishment or control.
Medical Neglect or Sabotage	Blocking access to medication, tearing off bandages, preventing doctor visits, or tampering with birth control.
Reckless Endangerment	Driving dangerously while the victim is in the car, abandoning them in places, or forcing risky physical tasks.
Property Destruction as Intimidation	Smashing phones, tearing clothes, breaking sentimental items; while the victim may not be touched, the implied threat of “you could be next” is clear.

Sexual/Reproductive Abuse

Type of Sexual Abuse	What It Looks/Feels Like in Everyday Life
Sexual Coercion & Marital Rape	Pressuring, guilt-tripping, or forcing sex when the partner is fearful, asleep, intoxicated, or has said “no,” This includes inside a marriage. Statements like “If you loved me you would” or physically refusing to let them leave the room.
Contraception Sabotage	Hiding, poking holes in, or throwing away condoms; tampering with birth-control pills; removing a condom during sex without consent.
Pregnancy Pressure or Refusal	Badgering a partner to get pregnant or to have an abortion; threatening to leave unless they comply; withholding money for prenatal care or abortion services.
Sexual Degradation & Humiliation	Insults about body parts or sexual performance, filming sex acts without consent, forcing the partner to watch pornography, or comparing them unfavourably to others.
STI/Health Endangerment	Lying about STI status, refusing testing, or deliberately exposing the partner to infection by ignoring agreed protection methods.
Coerced Sexual Acts	Demanding specific positions, rough sex, or group sex the partner does not want; using threats, shame, or physical force to obtain compliance.
Sexual Withholding as Punishment	Deliberately refusing all affection or intimacy to control or manipulate (“I’ll only touch you when you behave”).
Reproductive Financial Control	Blocking access to funds for contraception, prenatal visits, or abortion; taking away the means for the victim to afford care.
Sexual Exploitation or Trafficking	Forcing or pressuring the partner to perform sex work, exchange sex for rent or drugs, or appear in explicit content shared with others.

Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Type of Emotional Abuse	What It Looks/Feels Like in Everyday Life
Gaslighting	The abuser twists facts, denies obvious events, or insists “you’re over-reacting” until the victim doubts their memory or sanity.
Constant Criticism & Humiliation	Put-downs about appearance, intelligence, or worth (“You’ll never manage without me”) delivered publicly or privately to chip away at self-esteem.
Control & Coercion	Micromanaging where you go, what you wear, who you see, or how you spend money; demanding immediate replies to texts; setting rigid “rules.”
Isolation	Gradually cutting you off from friends, family, or support networks, often framed as “I just want you all to myself.”
Intimidation & Threats	Angry outbursts, looming over you, smashing objects, or threatening self-harm, custody battles, or disclosure of secrets to keep you compliant.
Blame-Shifting & Guilt Trips	Making you responsible for their moods or actions (“I wouldn’t yell if you listened”) or using children/pets to guilt you into compliance.
Jealousy & Possessiveness	Accusations of flirting or cheating, constant check-ins, or demanding passwords under the guise of “proving loyalty.”
Emotional Withholding	Silent treatment, dismissing feelings (“You’re being dramatic”), or withholding affection/approval as punishment.
Love-Bombing & Devaluation	Swinging between excessive praise/gifts and sudden coldness, keeping you on edge and craving the “good times” again.
Triangulation	Pitting you against friends, ex-partners, or family “Even your sister agrees you’re selfish” to create insecurity and competition.

Financial/Economic Abuse

Type of Emotional Abuse		What It Looks/Feels Like in Everyday Life
Income Control	Insisting all income be direct deposited into the abuser’s account, giving the partner “allowance” money, or forcing them to hand over cash or bank cards.
Employment Sabotage	Hiding car keys, calling constantly at work or turning up at work, starting fights before important meetings, or bad-mouthing the partner to bosses so they lose hours or get fired.
Total Transparency Demands	Requiring receipts for every coffee, tracking every bank transaction, or demanding password access to mobile-banking apps “to keep things honest.”
Blocking Education or Job Training	Refusing to watch the kids so the partner can attend classes, destroying or hiding important papers, or mocking them for “wasting money” on up-skilling.
Forced Debt & Credit Damage	Opening credit cards or loans in the partner’s name (often via forged signatures), pressuring them to cosign, or running up joint accounts and refusing to pay.
Asset Theft or Destruction	Selling the partner’s laptop, pawning jewellery, “borrowing” their car and wrecking it, or draining joint savings to punish them after an argument.
Withholding Basic Necessities	Controlling access to grocery money, diapers, medication, transportation, or even Wi-Fi, anything needed for daily life, unless the partner “behaves”, “admits wrong or apologises.
Financial Secrecy	Hiding major debts, secret accounts, or spending large amounts while accusing the partner of being irresponsible with money.
Exploiting Legal & Child Support Systems	Threatening expensive custody battles, dragging out divorce proceedings, or refusing court-ordered child support to force dependence.

Ditigal/Tech – Facilitated Abuse

Type of Emotional Abuse		What It Looks/Feels Like in Everyday Life
Surveillance & Stalkerware	Secretly installing tracking apps, AirTags, or “Find My” sharing so the abuser gets live GPS pings, reads texts, or activates the microphone without consent.
Account Takeover & Password Control	Demanding login details “for transparency,” resetting email or banking passwords, or enabling two-factor codes that go to their phone, so the survivor is locked out.
Digital Harassment & Cyber-stalking	Floods of calls, texts, or DMs; creating fake profiles to monitor or publicly shame; tagging the survivor in humiliating posts; commenting aggressively on every photo.
Smart-Home Manipulation	Remotely cranking the thermostat, flicking lights on/off, blasting music through smart speakers, or locking/unlocking doors to intimidate or disturb sleep.
Image-based Abuse (“Revenge Porn”)	Threatening to, or actually, posting intimate photos/videos online or sending them to family, bosses, or children as blackmail.
Location-Based Threats	“Check in every hour or I’ll assume you’re cheating,” or showing up unannounced because phone location or car GPS was tracked.
Financial Tech Sabotage	Draining digital wallets, disputing shared PayPal transactions, or using budgeting apps to scrutinise each purchase in real time.
Impersonation & Catfishing	Creating fake accounts using the survivor’s name/photos to spread rumours, sign them up for dating sites, or harass their friends and employers.
Deepfake & AI-Generated Harm	Producing fake nude images or voice recordings to threaten, humiliate, or control.
Device & Data Destruction	Remotely wiping phones or laptops, smashing SIM cards, or phishing for credentials to erase cloud backups “so you lose everything.”

Legal/Administrative Abuse

Type of Emotional Abuse		What It Looks/Feels Like in Everyday Life
Frivolous Lawsuits & Repeated Filings	Suing the survivor for “defamation,” unpaid debts, or property damage they didn’t cause; filing, withdrawing, and re-filing cases to force endless court appearances and legal bills.
Custody & Family-Court Manipulation	Seeking sole custody to punish the survivor, refusing to sign routine school or medical forms, or scheduling hearings during work hours to jeopardise their job.
Restraining-Order Challenges	Contesting protective orders at each renewal, demanding in-person hearings so the survivor must face them, or filing counter-orders to muddy the record.
False Reports to Authorities	Calling child-protective services, immigration, or the police with fabricated claims (drug use, neglect, visa fraud) to trigger investigations and fear of losing children or residency.
Document & Identity Control	Hiding passports, driver’s licenses, tax returns, or preventing name-change paperwork so the survivor can’t work, travel, or access benefits.
Financial “Paper Cuts”	Dragging out divorce proceedings, ignoring court-ordered support, or filing late paperwork that triggers fines deliberately inflating the survivor’s legal costs and stress.
Immigration & Visa Threats	Withholding sponsorship documents, lying to immigration officials, or threatening deportation if the survivor leaves the relationship.
Weaponizing Shared Debt/Assets	Refusing to sign house-sale papers, closing joint accounts suddenly, or taking out last-minute loans in both names to damage credit and delay financial separation.

What is a Trauma Bond?

Trauma bonding is the powerful, often confusing attachment that forms between a victim and an abusive partner when periods of fear or pain are unpredictably mixed with bursts of kindness, apology, or relief.

Each time the cycle swings from terror (high cortisol) to comfort (hits of dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline), the brain records a “reward” for staying, much like getting a payout from gambling after a string of losses.

Over repeated cycles, the survivor can feel hooked on proving their worth, clinging to the hope of another good moment, the fake feeling of “having the upper hand” and downplaying the harm “because it wasn’t bad all the time.”

This biochemical tug-of-war, combined with isolation, financial dependence, or threats, makes leaving extraordinarily hard.

Breaking the bond (leaving) triggers withdrawal like cravings for the brief highs and a deep fear that things will get even worse if they go. Healing starts with recognising the pattern, re-establishing safety, and rebuilding consistent, healthy sources of connection through supportive friends, therapy and community. This helps the brain relearn what real security and safety feels like.

Most victims are completely unaware they are in a trauma bond. This is why many will go back again and again. They can’t put into words or explain how it feels or why they do. Again, it took me 15 attempts before I left.

"Double Abuse" and Institutional Betrayal

Secondary harm occurs when institutions or communities minimise or blame victims.

To counteract this, supporters should validate survivors’ experiences without judgment and refrain from harmful statements like “Why didn’t you leave earlier?”

Learning how to be a support to a survivor of domestic abuse can help you be prepared and understand the basics of what they are experiencing.

The Body Keeps the Score: Health Impacts

Ongoing abuse affects survivors physically in the long term and forms part of their healing process. This is when the mental impacts of long-term abuse manifest into physical ailments:

Chronic cortisol dysregulation – resulting in being stuck in a hypervigilant state.
Immune system issues – the body’s inability to rest affects its ability to fight infections, which results in an increase in physical sick.
High rates of PTSD/C-PTSD, depression, chronic pain, and reproductive issues – As above, this is a result of the body being stuck in alert mode and an ongoing impact on the body’s nervous system.

Final Thoughts

Understanding types of domestic abuse and its impacts on victims is vital to understanding the harmful dynamics they have suffered and the healing they require.

Recognising abuse early empowers survivors, equips allies, and builds safer communities. The journey of a survivor to escape is the first challenge; the healing thereafter is often underestimated. Patience, love and understanding are needed in the long term to allow them to grow into their new life.

FAQs

What are the first steps if I suspect domestic abuse?
Seek support immediately from trusted contacts or professional services. Document incidents safely. You’re not alone.

Can domestic abuse happen without physical violence?
Yes, emotional, financial, digital, and legal abuses are equally damaging.

How can I support someone experiencing domestic abuse?
Offer empathy, practical assistance, and non-judgmental support while encouraging professional help.