Coming to terms with never getting a sorry or an answer to why they did what they did. How to give yourself the closure you need. This post may include affiliate links – 10 Minute Read
Do you feel like you’re waiting? For them to suddenly realise what they did was beyond not ok or justified. For an apology, some form of accountability, any form of acknowledgment, really.
Is this something that is keeping you feeling frustrated and stuck? All these things happened, and the world continues to turn as if nothing did. The frustration of injustice can feel mind-blowing. That is the exact reason I wanted to write this post.
Without an outlet for this frustration, it’s not uncommon to put the blame at our own feet for “letting this happenâ€. There was no letting anything happen; there was only surviving. While we may acknowledge that the events of our past were not our fault, that does not stop our inner critics from giving their thoughts on the matter, and that can leave internal bruises of our own making.
If you are feeling stuck on the why this happened. Why did they think it was ok to do what they did? Why can’t they see how wrong they are? Why can’t they just admit what they did? You’re definitely not alone in those questions. It is a series that all survivors run through their heads at some point during healing.
I wanted to write about why that apology will unlikely ever come and why you may never get the answers to those questions. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find the closure you need and deserve.
The Questions That Spin in Your Head
The questions can circle for years. I still have my own that pop up regularly.
What were they getting out of acting as they did?
Was it really my fault?
Why did they seem to enjoy hurting me?
Why did they feel so justified?
You might want to get in their face and yell at them. Maybe grab them by the shoulders and shake them to get it through their head. It was never ever ok! None of what you did was right or justified! You had no right! Who do you think you are!
But deep down, you already know what would happen next. They would deflect.
There would be the excuses.
Gaslighting.
Avoidance.
Denial.
They would rewrite the story until you were the problem and they were the victim.
The realisation that you are never getting a sorry or accountability from your abuser can be infuriating.Â
Why Abusers Can’t See What They Did
The simplicity of it is that your abuser is often psychologically incapable of seeing themselves clearly or truthfully.
They are close to incapable of true reflection, understanding, empathy, or self-acceptance.
Research into those with abusive personality traits shows that most perpetrators rely on defensive mechanisms such as denial, minimisation, projection, and blame-shifting to protect their self-image.
Their self-image is their shield and strength.
Admitting wrongdoing would require them to face and tolerate shame, accept responsibility, and negatively see themselves. Â
For someone whose identity depends on control, superiority, or victimhood, that level of self-reflection and vulnerability is unbearable.
So instead, they go into deep cover mode.
They deny it happened. They attempt smear campaigns. They rewrite the narrative, and they play the victim. They recruit others to validate them.
They are convincing, and they are good at what they do because this is their own form of survival. One of saving face and keeping the thing that scares them the most away. Shame.
Does understanding their lack of capabilities make it hurt any less or make it any less frustrating? No. No, it doesn’t.Â
Their refusal to apologise says nothing about your worth and everything about their limitations.
Stop waiting.
Stop hoping.
You can build a life that is no longer affected by someone else’s inability to take responsibility.
When Others Side With Them
This includes those who tell you to stay quiet.
It’s not just the abuser who refuses accountability. Sometimes it’s the people around them and you.
These could be family, friends, or those who see only the snippets of what your abuser wants them to see. The audience he plays the victim to, or those who just don’t want to witness or hear any conflict.
My own abuser, of course, denied everything. He quickly positioned himself as a victim. This, on its own, angered me, but it was how others who had even witnessed his behaviour towards me ignored the truth of what had happened that tipped me into rage.
I had physical injuries when I got free and was told to let it go. That deep down, he was a good guy. He would give the shirt off his back.
No.
This social silencing compounds trauma. Studies show that betrayal trauma is intensified when survivors are dismissed or invalidated by their community. Being disbelieved hurts almost as much as the abuse itself. Commentary minimising what you’ve endured reinforces the gaslighting you’ve already suffered, and you question yourself.
When you leave an abusive relationship and find safety, you don’t just leave your abuser. You often walk away from those who support their behaviour. It hurts, and it’s hard, but it is how you heal.
Why You’ll Never Get the Answers You Want
You’re asking healthy questions of an unhealthy person.
You want meaning, accountability, and understanding.
They want control, comfort, shift blame, and escape from guilt.
This is why coming to terms with never getting a sorry isn’t solely a logical acceptance. It’s a grieving process.Â
You’re grieving the version of them you thought had existed alongside the version of you before you met them.Â
You’re grieving the justice you rightly deserve.Â
You’re grieving the validation that will never come from your abuser and those you trusted to support you.Â
Grief is a process, and unfortunately, it has no shortcut. But it will get better, it will ease.
Giving Yourself What They Never Will
So how do you let it go? How can you move on from the grief, anger, and frustration from the lack of accountability?Â
You stop waiting for them to give you something they are incapable of giving. You acknowledge that they have no capacity for the actions of a healthy person, and you adjust your expectations.Â
It’s not easy, and it takes practice and time. It will still pop up now and then because we’re human, and that’s what happens. We all have histories and pasts that poke us hard in the feelings from time to time.Â
But you can take away their power, so you’re not bogged down whenever the injustice comes up in your mind.Â
You turn inward.
You acknowledge what you went through, completely, honestly, without minimising any of it.
You remove any questioning in your mind about whether it “counts.â€
You stop debating whether it was “really that bad.â€
Research on trauma recovery consistently shows that self-validation is a cornerstone of how we heal. What you know and acknowledge as the truth of what happened is so much more important than the validation of your abuser or anyone else in your life.Â
You don’t need anyone’s permission to name what happened.
How You Forgive Yourself
Sounds counterproductive, doesn’t it? You can’t get an apology from them, but you’re going to forgive yourself?Â
But hear me out. It’s not often talked about, and it’s important.Â
Being able to forgive yourself can be a big step in your healing.Â
No, this is not because it was your fault, or that you were at fault in any way.Â
It is because you internalised blame to survive. You may have believed while you were in the relationship that, on some level, you deserved what was happening.Â
Forgiving yourself could look like letting go of the belief you were at fault. Recognising you ignored your own needs to keep the peace, so you were safe. Understanding and accepting that you kept silent because you were scared.Â
Studies have shown that when you practice self-compassion, you experience lower shame, lower PTSD symptoms, and greater emotional resilience.Â
It’s not self-indulgent. It’s completely reparative.Â
Is it easy to accept your own forgiveness? Not always. It may take you some time to accept and forgive.Â
You did what you did to survive and be as safe as possible in a situation that was outside of your control, and your actions were based on what you knew at the time, not what you know now.Â
No more judging yourself. Forgive yourself. You have the power to give this to yourself.Â
Five Research-Backed Principles for Accepting You’ll Never Get a Sorry
Based on trauma psychology and recovery research, these five principles help survivors accept that it is unlikely they will ever get acknowledgement from their abuser.Â
Acceptance Is Not Approval
Accepting the lack of an apology in no means justifying what happened to you, and means it was ok. It means you stop letting it control you. You are no longer allowing it to have space in your head. You are acknowledging the limitations of your abuser while removing your expectations.Â
Closure Is an Inside Job
Waiting for external validation prolongs your emotional distress. You are placing your healing and ability to move forward in the hands of those who have no interest in your health.Â
Connecting internally with yourself for forgiveness supports your autonomy and is the only validation that matters.Â
Accountability Is Not Required for Healing
Your healing does not depend on their growth and ability to take accountability. Often, they are stunted in life with zero self-reflection or abilities to evolve. Your healing depends only on your own growth. Â
Self-Compassion Rewrites the Inner Narrative
Replacing self-criticism and unwarranted blame with compassion physically reduces your stress responses in the nervous system. It teaches your nervous system that you are safe now. It builds your resilience and self-trust.Â
Your Truth Still Exists Without Their Acknowledgment
Reality doesn’t disappear just because someone refuses to see it. You know what happened, and they don’t need to acknowledge that to make it real or true.Â
Why Your Own Self-Love Is All You Need
An apology without authenticity would never heal you.Â
If it comes from a place of obligation or image-management, it’s likely to reopen wounds rather than heal.Â
Do we all want justice and karma for what was done, said, and happened? Of course! Injustice is infuriating beyond words. There is so much unfairness in what happened to you, especially if it was denied that it occurred. I understand because I have been there.Â
At some point, though, I had to make a decision. Do I keep pursuing an outcome where I could prove what happened in a bid to convince people whose opinions no longer mattered to me? Or did I make my own justice by building the life I wanted?Â
Each of our stories will differ, so we have to make our own decision about the justice that suits us. I will never encourage someone not to pursue an outcome that provides them with a legal closure. What I am talking about here is an emotional one.Â
What actually heals is trusting yourself again. Believing in your own memories. Choosing yourself. Self-love isn’t a consolation prize; it’s a foundation we all need.Â
Your healing does not depend on someone who made you unsafe.
FAQs
Q: How do you come to terms with never getting a sorry from your abuser?
By grieving the apology you deserved, accepting their limitations, removing your expectations, and redirecting your energy toward self-validation and healing.
Q: Why can’t abusers take responsibility?
Because accountability threatens their identity. Denial protects their self-image at the cost of your pain.
Q: How do you apologise to yourself after abuse?
By acknowledging how you survived, forgiving yourself for using coping strategies, and replacing any self-blame with compassion.
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Nadine Brown
As a survivor of emotional and physical abuse, I know firsthand how difficult the healing journey can be. I created The Resilient Blueprint as a passion project—an accessible resource hub designed to empower others on their path to recovery. My goal is to provide survivors with the knowledge, tools, and support they need to reclaim their lives.
